You just might be an engineer if:
-you save the power cord from a broken appliance for future use.
- you use a CAD package to design your son's soap box car.
- you have more toys than your kids.
- your wristwatch has more buttons than your telephone.
- you know the direction water swirls when you flush.
- your three year old daughter asks you why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Overheard in a computer shop:
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Computer must be female, because ... -As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
-Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
-The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why
I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
-As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck
on accessories for it.
Computer must be male, because ...
-They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
-They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
-In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
-It is always necessary to have a backup.
Murphy's Law : General
1.Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2.Everything takes longer than you think.
3.Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
4.If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
5.If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
6.If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a
fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
7.Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
8.If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9.Mother nature is a bitch.
10.It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
11.The Light at the end of the tunnel is only the light of an oncoming train.
Murphy's Law : Technology
1.You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2.Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3.An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
4.Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and
he'll have to touch to be sure.
5.All great discoveries are made by mistake.
6.Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
7.A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
8.A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
9.Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
10.The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the
11.To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
12.After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
13.Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three
parts which are still under development.
14.If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
15.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is
16.If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
17.Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
18.If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
19.When all else fails, read the instructions.
20.If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go
21.Everything that goes up must come down.
22.Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
23.If you build a system that even a fool can use, then only a fool will want to use it.
24.If it jams, try to force it. If it breaks, it probably needed to be replaced anyway.
25.Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Murphy's Law : Love
1.All the good ones are taken.
2.If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
3.The nicer someone is, the farther away he/she is from you.
4.Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
6.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
7.The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
8.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
9.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
10.Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
11.It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
12.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began making an expected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0
uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and
Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Dear Desperate Wife,
Keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend
HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1